Ass Fairy

Hood Rat Things

cheeksplitter — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 04:34:00 +0000

Well it happened. They found him. The boy who just wants to do hood rat things wif his friends, Latarian Milton, was interviewed by a radio show. Hilarity as they say, ensues.

“Go Obama” Latarian Milton

LINK

This guy must kill it with the ladies

bigfag — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 20:41:57 +0000

Here we go boys. BF’s pick up secrets revealed. Here are the prospects in order of coolness mixed with hotness mixed with richness mixed with dont talk during the weakness mixed with have to be drunkness.

1. ******, would have to do some stalking to find out if she still lives in my area code, but she did have crush on me three yrs ago.

2. All of your moms. self explanatory

3. ****** minus the bf, she can come, her relationship cant

4. New hot chick ****** knows that started today at SSource. would have to promise a raise to get anything

5. ******, my new every other weekend friend who lives in Beaver Creek. Shes got D’s and is Cooper’s chosen way of spirituality.

6. Stahmer, put on a wig and introduce yourself as Justifina, requires run to cherry creek for quick between leg op

9. ****** my ex, sp? youd think id know by now, would have to bring gaureenteed orgy and cookies

10. ******, which Dane tastes better, the fresh taste or the aftertaste, zing, wait hes not on this chain, ill text him

11. ******, hope you get that bartender prego monotone pizza face friend

12. ***** ******, is there another lacrosse game soon? might need a spike collar to prevent death by strangulation

13. *******, im almost as horny as ****, wait is that **** which bed am i in

14. Oprah, cmon, i know right

15. ****, i miss her . period

Wow, spent 30min on that email. Just proofread it Im such an a hole, no wonder i get crazy chicks.

Lost at Sea: The Anonyous Chronicles 5

theble — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 15:47:14 +0000

well i just bought about 40 dvds for around $10. the catch is their either in
different languages, horrible quality, or taken from a video camera hidden in
a movie theatre. in my king kong movie i can hear someone say “shut up its
starting” and other funny shit like just suck on it. how am i you ask, great
as usual. India is the grossest place i have ever seen. have you guys ever
seen a dead rotting dog on top of a dead rotting man being shit on by a street
cow? i have. i also saw a mongoose and a cobra have a stand off, this didnt
compete with the cock fights but it was still cool. the mongoose one. the taj
mahal was so amazing it doesnt even look real in the pictures. i have
oficially become a player because my roomate has to screen my room calls. its
really hard to do without called id. in New Delhi i got extreamly wasted and
pulled a H. yes i know its hard to believe but a H. after making my
on stage and singing with the live asian cover band i returned to a room with
a random, but… i managed to appal her so bad she was out in no time.
seriously it was probably a 4.4 fourty. i guess im just that bad with
names. “do you even know my name?” does it rhyme with get a rubber? so back to
the bar at half mast to try again, screaming i want american size shots at the
bartender who gives you a thimble of boose, i was making friends and fast.
back on the asian stage for some i will survive and making out in-voluentary
with the lead singer, i guess, but i dont believe. some other lady liked my
style. bar makeout and a few more shit shots i was humbally escorted to my
room by “Durka Durka Gehad” or Akbar as the name tag indicated. that was the
best night and i was in the most control of my group, two kids got apprehended
by hotel guards and and few others got in some serious trouble, makeout girl
was with me and i passed out face down fully clothed, talk about a whole in
one. one could say “I Blew It” twice. this shit wont fly anywhere else though
because a 10-3 ratio gives me, a decent looking individual one hell of a shot,
its like fishing with dynomyte. lots of making out and not enough just the tip
but people with money tend to have morals and like you to know their name. not
just randomness. BUT i hear im not the only one hooking up
D… got a lady, jut one question. Dreads or Not?
T and J sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G,
H: hows the bracket look, this place is a sausage fest.
E: still with the succubus riorden family? hit and quit!!!
BH: i have nothing on you so keep up what ever the fuck your doing
G slinger: my penis is too small for Porn, you can fill in
M: if you have the gas, i cut the cheese
Q; T gave me a bracket are you jealous?
D: have you pooped lately?
TE: i will not pick up any chick flicks for you, until you motor boat em
R: the best for last, i hear you have been going nuts on your last semester
and i wish i was able to spend it with you buddy.

Myanmar is illegal for americans to visit but we got hear before adminestrator
Rice Dish-condelleza destroyed them in the paper today. in our polotical
debreafing we were told that we are seen as american ambassadors. il put that
on a resume. no but i have to be good in this country or i could get im-
prisoned. i will try not to. Life is good here and i hope you guys all are
doing well

America, FUCK YEAH
Anonyous

Lost at Sea: The Anonyous Chronicles 4

theble — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 15:31:20 +0000

i am hitting so much ass!
chalk one up for the j team and another one and another one and another one
and another one well you fags get the point H what the shit is your beef
are you seriously gay i heard that E likes you and you still cant knock
the ugly stick wif it. its my leftovers you know shes mentally unstable just
tell her she is soooo beautiful this will be the last piece of advice i will
give you. now to me south africa was the bomb but marituras was a shit show
and that is where i hit the most ass of a trip; on the beach in the ocean in
the pool it was painful like football camp i was running 2-a-days semi-
seriously and semi-erect “i swear its not normally like this” yeah right. its
about time i get stuck wif a lady for good though sorry guys remember my taste
the nation campaign hook it up wif a girl from each state i think i only need
an alsska nows and im starting to work on the globe and alls yours moms that
P is one fine piece of ass this is the best trip ever T sorry to
hear about your grandpa. how are you dooshes doing can i wage a guess

E-gay and selabate unless with a R they suck
T in love and boring
C is continually meeting wierd random bitches
H cant tell his head from his ass
K pending but still boring
W still finding ways to amaze the dudes, is that possible amaze the
dudes
G does anyone know what is going on in your mind and can you get me a job?
hows K your suto g-friend/only lady you liar
M hows the gas? if G cant get me a job can i be in your entarouage?

im going to tackle a broad for continual humpage on the boat and probably
marry her H she hates you ill try to make her as hot as possible but i
perfer rich i got a h-j in the pool from a canuck yeah thats right a canuck
now im cultured i got the aids but i will lose it in no time its about time i
get humped because im putting out the vibe in the lab and getting a look keep
it real and white or real white i forget the analogy but you guys know what i
am saying

love Anonyous

Danny van Phelan pukes!

cheeksplitter — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 04:56:05 +0000

Your boy Phelan puking his guts out after the bar!!

Lost at Sea: The Anonyous Chronicles 3

theble — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:56:30 +0000

cape town was the shit we had 8 days here and we were busy every minut caster

got a drunk dial last night so he was lucky, the scenery was increadible and

today i was suposed to go great white shark diving but decided not to because

it is the off season and i was drinking last night and didnt want to wake up

at 5 for a $120 maybe, hiked table mountain google that shit it was a really

hard hike and you know how much i hate to hike and shit, how the fuck are you

fuckfaces,

H you could be the gayest kid i know who the hell cant slam E how did

you do that to yourself i cant fathem how dumb you are right now, hope your

pollishing your halo skills even though you should have been pollishing her

ass you fag

K looking foward to graduation i wouldnt be that is a fast welcoming to

the real world and im enjoying my dream

T you are gay as aids

D i have met a shitload of girls from kansas so when i come out for a visit

it will for sure get wet seriously i have been giving the heisman like crazy

E you motor boatin sun of a bitch

TE your gay aswell this trip is like a drunk glorified senior sem but were

not hippies were horney drunks

H you have to convnce papa H to let you do this i will be an adviocate

for you

gun slinger you are a habitial line crosser just like rick james but hey i

thrive on that shit

now its time to get to the fun stories, i havnt had any like my brazil

expierence but i have fallen in love with every local in south africa we went

to cape town university the other night with some students we met up table mtn

and it was fucking awesome they loved us and have been calling like daily to

party

the guy is the best fooseball player i have ever seen i think he went like 500

and 0 at this one bar, his girlfriend was smokin hot these accents down here

are priceless. i thought i lost my game but i realized the girls are just

intimidated by my overwhealming good looks the line was finally cut last night

when i made out with like 8 chicks, the past two nights i hooked up with this

hot girl from boulder, she wont let me give my o-face though and im digin it.

and for the record she is the hot one i was facebook stalking and said i will

hook up with her. unfortenatly im as good as dead though because she has a

boyfrined who is a marine sniper in iraq, we didnt even have sex just two

nights of motor boating in my minuature cot heavy petting and whispering sweet

nothings in her ear and it was worth every second. try to explain that to the

minister conducting my funeral “Anonyous was shot with a long range riffle by

lee harvey aswold; he went down in a blase of glory” dont worry i will seal

the deal in a few.

on to the next chick same night she is super hot because she lookes like an

innocent 16 year old she got the drunk dance Anonyous and sloppy kiss i guess im

a good kisser go figure, third chick is hot but she thinks shes the shit shes

just a slut i give her a 7 sober so you do the math afeter 100 jagerbombs she

got some kiss but i realised i had three options and i went for death at the

bar i didnt even realise that was an option but it sounded good at the time

hit back to the boat with sydney the sniper lover and was hopeing for a third

try is the charm but i managed to fuck that up somehow, thats a hookup a ports

now im hoping to keep my streak, i think they can smell my bad-assness. now

that its boat try time and it should pan out, nothing realy too outrageous,

valentines day was a miracole day for me because every girl on the boat

was “my special valentine” they eat that shit up i think that is why my hot

streak started and now will continue because i have started to establish

history

met some dope ass guys and plan to party with them for a while, looking for a

girlfriend H one who hates you especially a few girls i have been making

out with could be lucky lady potential but i like my 10 to 3 odds so maybe

just the field will work for now. marituas in 6 days is suppposed to be the

hawaii for india so we have reserved a beach bungalo and plan on making that

my spring break it will be a hump fest no stds that i know of yet but i plan

on getting tested the second i get hope, you can just slap some pennicilan on

that shit though for my conclusion

T stop being gay

K enjoy what is left of your childhood man time is rapidly approaching

D, S? fag

H just hock a fuckin loogie on it, save the chit chat for after that way

when they leave in disgust its good because you dont have to drive them home

the rest of you are cool but you dont do anything outrageous so try to give me

a story or two along the way i go stir crazy on the boat between ports so hit

reply and give me some funny shit

Anonyous’s ouy

Here is how I got into the Onion Party with Coop from Wet Hot

bigfag — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:42:23 +0000

Hey Dane,

I can not say no to that offer. I added you to the list. Bring the Paul Molitor rookie card, hang on to the autographed picture, and be sure to keep an eye on your friend Cooper. Wet Hot American Summer is one of my favorite movies as well. We look forward to having your strength at the party. Thanks man!

-Joe (The Onion)

On Thu, Aug 28, 2008 at 8:07 AM, Dane Hinnen <dhinnen@servicesource.com> wrote:

Good Morning Joe,

I am good friends with Cooper Smith and was trying to help him find some pogs and a poison metal slammer to give you to get on the list tonight for this sweet onion party at La Rumba tonight.

I would hate for Coop to go alone to this party and was wondering if you could slide me on the list as well so I can watch over him and make sure he has a fantastic time.

I would be willing to bring my Paul Molitor rookie card or autographed picture of myself and Celine Dion.

Michael Showalter is one of our top comedians and Wet Hot American Summer is one of our favorite movies of all time.

Any thing you could do would be awesome.

Thanks man,

Leave you with a quote: “Katie, I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I love it that sometimes for no reason you’re late for shul, and I don’t care that you’re bowlegged and I don’t care that you’re bilingual”

This has Nothing to do with Paul Mule.

heelyforadults — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 15:07:20 +0000

Once upon a time a little fairy boy ventured into a dark and tumultuous land, where he crossed paths with a husky giant by the name of HeelyforAdults. During that fated argument with a stripper in that clandestine Las Vegas hotel suite, that little boy would soon find his street-cred in more peril than the Potala Palace as the hammer of HFA came down like the force of 10,000 fire-punches to the groin… all in time with “Hero” by Gloria Esteban…

Lost at Sea: The Anonyous Chronicles 2

theble — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:40:00 +0000

we are leaving puerto rico tonight and it is a little miami, i went to a cock
fight and my cock won it was the blue corner so i was wasted yelling you my
boy blue no locals got it, there were actually like 25 fights i saw in the
cock fight tournament, sex is easy but i still am yet to do it, there have
been a total of 3 now that i could have i think banged if i wasnt so god damn
pickey. two other girls have caught my eye so hopefully it will be a matter of
time. any cool shit in colorado? T did you have sex D yet? sorry i
mean M, wait wrong again D? i hope so, H i will have a girl
friend when i get off the boat she already dislikes you who it is i dont know
sorry, i will start sending cards from brazil i will be in rio in 4 nights
time and before too long i should have aids yes aids i hear there pretty fun
now days

well thats about all but just remember

i never quit and you guys shouldnt either
love

Anonyous

done thanks for the aids suport D; E there is no more ink to dip the
pen in, im in a slump; my moleria pills cause hallucination and i havent seen
any shit yet but im having the most vivid crazy dreams ever

any ways im out

Anonyous

Gossip Girl

cheeksplitter — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 03:51:12 +0000

As a man there are a lot of things that I’m not proud of…

- I don’t floss
- I know how to iron
- There’s more than one Dashboard Confessional song on my iPod
- I like reading the newest Pottery Barn catalog
- I think Justin Timberlake is a good dancer
- I’ve read a Lost spoiler before
- I know all the words to “Like a Virgin”

But perhaps the thing that I’m most embarrassed about is that I watch Gossip Girl. If you don’t know what Gossip Girl is, PLEASE switch lives with me! Everyone has at least one terrible show that they watch (or so I tell myself). I’ve tried to quit. Really, I have. But it’s so hard (that’s what she said).

Anyway, the new season is right around the corner and a sexy sneak preview just dropped….